How have six weeks gone by already? I remember making our appointment for the six week check-up and thinking, wow, that’s a long way off! But here it is, and you are so big. Strangers stop us in the store and exclaim about how tiny you are, so small and perfectly formed. And a voice in my head says No! She is so big! Because they don’t know the difference of your sweet weight in my arms from then and now. They don’t know the rolls that are starting to form on your thighs or the little belly poking out of your diapers. I know, and it blows my mind.
Life is still in a total upheaval — I don’t know when we will get used to this new normal, but it is a constant learning experience. You are clingy, wanting only me. And sometimes that is so wonderful, to be needed and loved and trusted so much. But other times it is exhausting and I don’t know what to do with it. But we work through it, you and me and your daddy. We will always work through it.
I keep starting and stopping your birth story. I don’t know if I can share it, but I want to. It is already fading fast into a rose-colored memory, a hazy memory of pain and anxiety and then that brilliant, incredible flash of love and wonder when you came screaming like a banshee into this world. And into my arms. How do I describe that? I don’t think I ever, ever could.
One week old. What was our life like before Cece? I can’t really remember. She is so much a part of us now that it is inconceivable to think about how it was. Everything is so surreal — the past week has flown by, a blink-and-I-missed-it moment full of family visits, late-night nursing, new-baby smells and so, so much love. Today I finally brought out my DSLR and took some photos, because I don’t want to miss a moment. Her squinty-eyed stare, her flailing hands, her hiccups. How did we make something so wonderful?
Today we ventured out into the big wide world as a family for the first time. We went to Target, where I bought nursing shields and a car window shade and anti-bacterial hand wipes for the diaper bag. Mom stuff. I am buying mom stuff at Target. And then to Half Price Books, because it is a quiet, safe space for us and I had a 30% off coupon. My fears of germ-ridden strangers sticking their hands in her face never materialized (though one woman mistook her for a boy because of the camo onesie and I didn’t correct her, too busy admiring her baby-dream-faces to get into a gender lecture). She slept the whole time in her carrier and on Daddy’s shoulder, and we are tentatively hopeful we might have a calm and chill baby? Knock on wood, please don’t jinx it.
She rolled over on the exam table at her newborn check-up to the shock and delight of me, my mother and the doctor. She holds her head up for a length of time that is supposed to be impossible for a newborn. I know every mother thinks their child is exceptional, but it is sort of scary how strong she is. I want her to always be strong, and curious, and daring. Right now she is curled up against my chest in her wrap, and her little quick breathes are a song. How can you love someone so much you just met?
Cordelia Claire entered this world by the light of the full moon and on her daddy’s birthday. The waiting is over and we are so in love.
Life is so different, and I am still processing it. I want to share our birth story with y’all, but it is taking me some time to get it all down. It’s still so new and raw. Soon!
In the meantime, I will continue to post way too many baby photos on Instagram (@ladymoonshine) and stare in shell-shocked awe at this tiny bit of perfection we created. Life is damn crazy, y’all.